By Megan O’Connor
TO: Joan Dryer
FROM: Minnie Presley
Subject Line: Before Thanksgiving
Ok Joan, I’m really hoping you get this email before dinner this weekend so we don’t have to try and talk about it with everyone around, but I know how bad you are at email. Even if you don’t get this… I need to say all of this so hopefully I’ll keep it together and not ruin Thanksgiving.
I don’t want to spend Thanksgiving with Maria. Is that wrong of me? She’s my sister. Our sister. But I really can’t stand to be around her. How did she turn out like this? You and I get along great! Sure, we fight and we don’t understand each other all the time, but we talk. We communicate. She just stomps around and makes everything horrible. I love Alex though. A lot. I’ve never really seen him as my brother-in-law though… he’s more like a hostage. That’s a horrible thing to say. He’s definitely part of the family and I love talking to him, I guess I just wish Maria was nicer. Do you know he’s got me started playing Candy Crush? I said I’d never but it’s the most addictive thing ever.
Do you think it’s Mom’s fault? She raised all three of us, but Maria is just cruel sometimes. And so is Mom. You know I have to drive her around now right? Bet she didn’t tell you that. Oh my God, you should have seen how mad she was when they took away her license. I laughed so hard, but jokes on me because I get to drive her to all her dates. I know she knows how to use Uber, she’s refusing just to annoy me. Heads up, she’s dating some new guy. The divorce papers from the last one are barely dry. Even so, she’ll be insufferable.
Ricky and I broke up. That’s really what I wanted to talk to you about. Why does this keep happening to me? I’m a nice person right? I’m cute and fun and well-read… obviously. I’m a good conversationalist, I have an appropriate amount of cats. I thought he might be the one. I’m sorry if this messes up your place settings, I know how you like to prepare. But yes, yet again, Minnie Presley will be all alone at another Dryers family holiday. I don’t even want to think about what Maria will have to say about that.
I wish I knew if you would check this message Joanie. Anyway, we’ll talk soon. I’ll be picking up Mom to bring her over for dinner, whether she likes it or not. And we both know she won’t so there’s that.
Can’t wait to see the kids!